Desire of the Soul
by Karrie101
Summary: Arizona fell in love with her best friend Callie. How was this possible? She was a girl? She struggles between making the right choices. Boys or girls? Right or wrong? Everything goes wrong and then she has to face the trough.
1. Chapter 1: Silent Moments

**A/N: hey everybody, this is already my second story on fanfiction. I hope you like it. I'll post my next chapter as soon as possible. Keep reviewing… I really really love that XD you guys make my day!**

**The beta mistakes are the only thing I own here. **

**I'll write soon!**

It was a bright day. My friends and I were walking to the park. I didn't feel very well but the weather was too good to sit inside. Callie, Cristina and me. On a hill we stopped. Tired of walking. Cristina was cranky like always and Callie and I had the most fun.

We were talking about boys and stuff. Callie was a Lesbian and that is why it was so fun. We looked at some pictures of some boys off my class. She looked disappointing when I show her the pictures of girls.

Callie was a difficult woman. She really wants to have somebody who is there for her, but she don't want a relationship. She is very insecure and that is what I love about here. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside. She was always very happy when she was with me and we told each other almost everything. She was so different than me in all ways that's why we liked each other so much.

Cristina was one of my other friends. Typical she was always cranky. She was never satisfied and was just depressing to look at. She always wants to be the best at everything. If I talk about her that way does it seems very impossible to be friends with someone like her. But on a way she pretty sweet. I didn't told her everything I told Callie but who cares? She doesn't. The last time I told her about my feelings she ignored me for days. Since then it's pretty obvious why I don't tell her everything.

My other friends didn't come that day. This was the day. The day that my life changes.

Callie and me were lying on the hill, busy talking. I close my eyes. Feel the sun on my skin. Callie came closer and tickled me. I was laughing. Tears appeared in my eyes. My stomach hurts because I laughed so loud.

"Can't breathe, can't breathe….." I said breathless.

She stopped. Her face was very close to mine. I was breathing heavily now. The way she looked was indescribable. Thoughts were not important anymore. For a moment everything was quiet. The bright look in here brown eyes left me breathless.

"Arizona, could you bring me home this afternoon?" Cristina asked directly.

I couldn't respond so fast. The world was too far behind me. Callie still looked at me but now, her face changes from beautiful to surprised that I didn't react. She turned at Cristina. Now she looked at Cristina who was still waiting for a answer. I couldn't move. My thoughts flew through my head like the wind flows in the trees. Callie waved with her hands. My eyes couldn't blink. It was like I was made of glass, like I completely froze. Cristina came closer to me. She pushed me with her hands.

I blinked a few times now. I looked around. Cristina and Callie looked at me like I was crazy. I've got a warm fuzzy feeling inside me. Burning…

The days after that I wasn't aware of anything around me. I was in my own world. I was a zombie. Didn't talk. Didn't show any emotion. All my friends couldn't understand what was wrong. Even I didn't know it. The feeling didn't go away. It was still there. That burning feeling inside me.

I couldn't forget those eyes. My thoughts were constantly thinking about that moment.

_What happened? What is this? I just can't stop thinking about her. That's creepy. What do I want from her? She was only a friend of mine, or not? _

I was very confused this week. Callie became suspicious, because of my mysterious behavior. That was very common because this was very weird for everybody.

Callie texted me that evening. "Come in about a hour to the hill" my heart was beating crazy.

_What is this? Why did she text me that way? Why does she want to meet me on the hill? This is so mysterious…. It's really driving me crazy. But I have to go. Otherwise I will never know what she was planning to._

My head was still spinning on my way to the hill. It was almost dark and the street lanterns turned on when I passed by. There was nobody on the road. I felt really weird my head still spinning, my heart beating even crazier than an hour before. I couldn't think on the moment. There it was. The hill.

I was too early. She wasn't there. I parked my bike and walked to the hill. Now I could see her. She was standing on the top. She was alone. I slowly walked to her. Still didn't know what she was planning to do with me.

" Hey" I said very dry. She didn't look very happy to see me. It almost looked like she hoped that I didn't come.

"Haay, I really need to talk to you about something" she said quick and meaningless.


	2. Chapter 2: A heartless winter

**A/N: hey there people on the planet! I want to thank you all for reviewing. That makes my day complete! SO KEEP DOING THAT! Let me know what you think of it. I would do my best to keep you all satisfied. It will maybe take a while for me to write the next chapter because I'm very busy at the moment, so I'm sorry about that.**

**Hope you guys like my next chapter!**

**p.s. the only thing I own here are the beta mistakes**

**xoxo**

I just stood there, waiting. She wants me to talk but I didn't notice that. The silence was killing me. I have to talk about something.

"So, could you just say something… please?" I said almost begging her.

"Why are you acting so weird lately?"

"What do you mean?" I said. I know what she meant but I could better deny it. I knew she wasn't crazy.

" You know what I'm talking about!" she said with that face that said 'you know I'm not crazy'

"Ow" I was really convincing I thought. " You mean why I'm so quiet lately?"

"YES!" I could see she was relieved

"I don't know actually" being a little bit nervous.

Callie sad down. She waved at me to come and sit next to her. I didn't want to piss her more of so I sat down right next to her. She was so close that I could smell her breath. Her hair beautiful curled. Her skin looked smooth in the moonlight. Her eyes like glass. Staring to my soul. Trying to find that one thing I couldn't say. The one thing. Unbearable feeling inside. Burning to kiss her. To take her right now. Here on the hill. Without questioning.

_Omg. Did I just think of her. The way she would kiss me. The way she showed me her love to me. Making love to me….. omg what am I? GAY? No way…. I'm not gay. Definitely not?_

" I know you like me…." She said very sudden

" Sure I like you. We are best friends?"

" No not on a 'friends' way" she said deeply

" OMG…. NO, why do you think that? Do you think I'm in love with you? Really? OMG, I don't 'love' you. I don't see you that way and you know that?" it really sounded ridiculous in my thoughts.

She was laughing now. " Really? I don't believe you…You are acting so weird lately, every time you see me. People noticed, you know?"

"That's not a reason why you think that. It doesn't make sense." I became a little bit mad because I was taking this very seriously and all she did was laughing directly in my face.

"Come one, everybody could see you like me!" she almost yelled

"No, I don't like you. And if I did I would be honest. Here is no reason her me to lie about this. I think it's really serious." I talked very convincing and slow. She was quiet. In shock because she really thought she was right. And she was so wrong because I wasn't in love with her. I was only busy with other things right now.

I hugged her and said goodbye.

On my way back I was thinking this whole conversation over and over again. I couldn't see where it went wrong. I have to clean my head. Thinking about something else.

That night I had a really weird dream. And that dream continues every evening I go to sleep.

We were alone in my house. In my room. It was a warm and bright day. The sun shined outside but the curtains were closed. It was dark in my room. Callie was very close now. We were lying on my bed. Face to face. Looking at each other. Her eyes blistering like raindrops in the morning. Her lips were smooth. She tasted like a fresh winter breeze in the middle of a hot summer. It tasked really good. I couldn't even describe it. It was magical. Her lips followed my neck down to my belly. She really turned me on. She was touching me like never before. I noticed that she loved me, because no one else wouldn't tough me that way. She really wants me. I was happy. But something was wrong. This was everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't enough. I felt really weird. Couldn't place it in my mind. There was no peace in my head. Every time I dreamed that same dream I felt miserable and sick and happy at the same time. Until my dream ends. Then I was just alone. Like a heartless winter. Frozen in time.


	3. Chapter 3: Road to nowhere

**A/N: heyy everybody! I'm faster than I thought I would be with writing my next chapter. I'd a lot of inspiration tnx to you all! KEEP REVIEWING! I really really love that. Without you all writing is very boring XD**

**The only things I own here are the beta mistakes.**

**Xoxo I'll write soon!**

I don't understand the life around me. It's so easy like breathing. What if breathing wasn't easy at all? Every breath I take makes my head spin again.

I was mad about the smallest things in my life. Was in a discussion all the time. Wasn't happy at all. Every time I saw Callie I was quiet and anxious about myself. Last week was the perfect time to tell her what I felt. I didn't had the currish to tell her that. I regretted that. We didn't talk very much. If it wasn't necessary we didn't talk at all. If she looked at me and saw I looked back she turned her head. This wasn't a good relation. Our friendship was ruined. And I didn't do anything. I know she didn't believe me. I couldn't look at another direction if she was around. The beauty of her face, body and everything about her was driving me crazy. I couldn't work on school, too distracted to actually do something. My thoughts were still with her.

I want to be with her. Give her everything she wants. Be everything she needs. We were like two pieces of a puzzle. Nobody knows we actually are pretty the same. Nobody will ever know that we fit in to each other if nobody will ever try to take the first step.

It kept me thinking. If she actually knew I loved her, than she must feel the same way. You only think the things you think if you have a feeling with that thought. If something is very important you think of it all the time. That's logical. Right?

I was thinking all the time and it drove me crazy. I had so many questions unanswered. I really needed an answer, but I knew that they didn't come to me if I didn't ask them.

It did take a while if I'm honest to talk to her. It was on a party from Cristina. She becomes 16 today. We were really drunk. People were talking. I just began to cry. I was always very emotional when there was alcohol in the game, but this was just stupid. Callie walked (as far as you could call it 'walking') to me.

"What's wrong?" she asked surprised.

"Can I talk to you? In private?" There was a little silent after I asked it.

"Sure"

I don't remember how we got there but we went in the bedroom from Cristina. We talked while sitting on the bed.

"Tell me, girl" Callie said.

" You maybe hear other people talking about me?" I asked her.

"Yes, I know you still love me!" she wasn't surprised I asked her that.

"Okay that's truth. I do love you. And I know you don't want me, because you don't date 'friends'." My face was very sad and I almost cried again if she didn't hug me. She doesn't like to be touched but now she was the one who hugged me. It felt good. Her arms very tight around me. I could smell the alcohol in her breath. She smelled very good like always. Very strange but lovely at the same time. After a few minutes I was sure she would kiss me, but she didn't. Instead of that she told me that she didn't love me. She will never saw me like I saw her. She just ditched me. It felt like my heart was broken in a million pieces. Like I disappeared from the earth. Like I wasn't good enough for her. She told me that it wasn't my fault. "We just don't match." She said.

After that we stood up. She hugged me again and together we walked downstairs. Everybody was watching at us. Like I didn't felt miserable enough. She walked away.

I thought that was the worst day of my life, but I was wrong. The weeks after that we didn't speak to each other. I thought our friendship was already bad but this was way worse.

We didn't look at each other, didn't speak, didn't e-mail, didn't text. Nothing. We ignored each other like we didn't exist. She never left my mind. I thought about that conversation over and over again. Thinking what I could have said to her to make her believe that we were made for each other.

_It's just about you and me. What the hell… fuck them. I'm here for you. Nothing else matters. If I could travel in time, I would do it. Just to make it a little more bearable. I know it isn't easy, but who say's it was? Think about it. I love you, and I know that you have your doubts, but who isn't? That's the risk you have to take to be with me. I'm ready to take that risk. But are you ready to take that risk? Give love a change and set your heart free. Just wait you'll love me, I promise. Just try to know me better._

I was more in love than ever. I began writing poems and stories about her. But the feelings never left my mind. There was a time that I rather was asleep than awake. Dreams were the only thing that kept me alive in my depressing days. Every night she was there with me. Loved me, supported me. But when I was awake the truth faced me every time. It hit me in the face. Dreams were better. Easier. How more I dreamed how more I created my own fantasy world. My own Callie. She was in real life so different that is sometimes forgotten what was real and what not. It was like I was on a road. No end and no beginning. It was like a trip to nowhere. A road to nowhere.

This lasted a few weeks. After that she began to talk to me on the computer. I thought she missed me and wants to have some contact again. But I was wrong. Again.


	4. Chapter 4: Flowers of Despair

**A/N: Hey people! This is already my fourth chapter XD I love it. Derek has a little part in it to. In my next chapter you'll see a lot of him! I don't know if you all like this chapter so let me know, also if you have any ideas about the part of Derek! KEEP REVIEWING! That make my day, really! I'm also on tumblr… so if you like you can follow me. My name is pixiepunky!**

**The only thing I own here are the beta mistakes **

Callie: "He"

Arizona: "Hey"

Callie: "Did you finish your homework English for school?"

Arizona: "Yes, why?"

Callie: "Which exercises do we have to make? I was sick yesterday"

Arizona: "Uhm… just the first one off chapter four of the textbook"

Callie: "Okay, thanks"

It was quiet for a moment…. I stared at the screen waiting for her to talk. But she never did. So it was my privilege to start talking back.

Arizona: "Why are you being so rude to me?"

Callie: "What?"

Arizona: "You ignored me for days. This isn't the friendship I wanted to. Could you act normal to me please?"

Callie: "Just shut up. We can't be friends if you still want more than this. It's maybe for the best to not be friends anymore"

Arizona: "I'm acting normal to you. I'm not going to kiss you if I see you, I'm not going to stalk you or have sex with you if you don't want. I'm fine with that. But to throw away our friendship like this is just reckless and stupid."

Callie: "No"

Arizona: "But I like you in person. I don't want to lose you!"

I was crying now. Full of pain and sorrow. That burning feeling was now turning into pain. A deep pain which didn't go away. A pain that was so heavy that I couldn't breathe for a while. I lied by saying that I'm fine with it. I'm not. But I tried everything to not lose her. I failed.

Callie: "No contact at all"

Arizona: "Not even a text message, talking on school? Sitting on the same table? Looking at you? Nothing at all? Please I don't want to lose you!"

I was begging now. I was that desperate. Even I know that it was hopeless, but I want to do everything because I love her too much. She was one of my best friends, my soul mate. My one and only love. She was my everything. Love is not a thing you can put a label on. You fall in love with a person! And I was in love.

Callie: "No contact is no contact"

Arizona: "But when can we be friends again?"

Callie: "When you are over me"

I couldn't talk anymore. To broken to talk. To broken to breath. To broken to move. I just sat there. At home, alone. Crying on the couch. With my laptop on my knees. She was gone. She blocked me on MSN.

I never felt more lonely in my entire life then now. Nothing ever hurt me like this. It really gets to me. The feeling was indescribable. I didn't want to live anymore. I had the feeling that my life was just begun, but slightly was coming to an end. If my sister didn't came home that time I probably end my life. Right now. On this couch.

But that was just fantasy. This wasn't the end of my life, it only looks like it. I couldn't forget those beautiful eyes. It was like an unforgettable memory starring in my soul like I was made of glass.

After that conversation we didn't talk, didn't look, didn't communicate. I felt miserable. This was awkward. I was quiet on school. Didn't say a thing. My life was going downhill. School grades dropped, contact with friends dropped as well. After a few weeks I met this new kid on school, Derek. He was really feminine and I didn't really like him. My birthday was soon, and I didn't want to have a lot of awkward moments with Callie. So I invited a lot of people. I was in a crazy mood so I also invited Derek. After my birthday party Derek and I became close friends. I told him all about my troubles about Callie, about how I felt. My head was a mess all this time. I couldn't think clear and all I could think about was her. I know she did this to make it easier for me to forget her, but she never left my mind. She was to beautiful. I stared at her every time I knew no one was looking, even though I knew Derek saw. Her body, her hands, her ass, her eyes, her beautiful lips… I really want to taste her skin. Want to smell her breath again. Want to hear her voice again. See her laugh. Derek tried to help me by distracting me. It never helped. I dazed of a lot.

"What're you thinking about? Ah never mind, Callie." He said that a lot. I always laughed at that.

She was so difficult to read. That was her beauty. She always was a mystery to me, and she always will be a mystery. My feelings for her never left. They only became stronger the longer this 'no contact' rule lasted. I missed her when it was holiday. I knew that I couldn't see her for a while. Every day I went to school with a smile on my face. Knowing that I could see her again. When she was sick I was disappointed at life. At these times Derek always appeared out of nowhere. Tried to cheer me up. Advising me.

"Stop thinking about her, I know it's hard, but get distraction. Write stories, maybe that'll help you write of your emotions." I really hate him when he was trying to say the truth. I don't want to live in this world, in my imagination was everything so much better. And he was not helping in my point of view.

I knew that I just had to wait to see her, until she gets better. My looks never were so important. I was hours a day busy picking my clothes, doing my make-up, my hair. She never would notice it. She didn't look at me. But I knew she saw it. It gave me a good feeling inside. I was satisfied. I thought that how more I changed how more the chance was she would love me. My timing was just so bad every time. If she knows me before she dumped me, it maybe was going a little different. Maybe she liked me if she knows me. The thought of making a chance was making my life even more unrealistic than my dreams. She will never be mine, and that was the problem. I couldn't live with her even if I wanted to.

"If you know she doesn't want you, why do you even try?" Derek was trying to help. I never hated him for it, but somehow I never managed to follow his advice.

I decided that the time was come to start a conversation. It was 2 months after the last conversation, I was sick and tired of this childish behavior. This was the first start of a normal conversation. I just texted her with my phone.

"Hi, how are you? I want to talk to you about something. Please respond."

I waited one whole day. A long day. Every time my phone ringed my heart skipped a beat. But it never was her. She didn't answer my text.

It now was Monday, the first day of the week. The first week of school. A new beginning and a start of something new. A new member in my list. A new name to remember. A new name to love.

It was Callie. On school she looked at me. Surprised, filled with questions. She couldn't stand it. After class she looked for me at the lockers. I thought she was going to her locker, which was close to mine, but she was walking to me.

"What was that text message about?" she asked me.

That was the first time in two months that I hear that voice talking to me. My heart jumped a little bit. This could be a long conversation. But it was worth it. All of it. My suffering was over, and this was just the start.


	5. Chapter 5: Garden of Joy

**A/N: hey everybody! So here I am. Chapter five already. I think it's really nice. Let me know what you think of it. KEEP REVIEWING, PLEASE! Also follow me on tumblr. My name is pixiepunky. Thank you all.**

**p.s. the only things I own here are the beta mistakes. **

She still looked at me. Those beautiful eyes. My face turned red.

"I want to celebrate something!" I smiled at her. Her face still in a understandable position. She didn't get the message.

"I want to celebrate that I'm finally over you." I continued. She just looked at me with that face that said 'I don't believe you'.

"I'm serious. I don't like you anymore. I met someone else." It was true that I met someone, but if I loved this person was still unknown. I did my best to move on and just forget her to look for someone else who likes me to. His name was Mark. I met him one day in the swimming pool. He was really nice and handsome. But he wasn't Callie. I think that was the problem. She was all I ever wanted and even more than that. It was like dumping a Ferrari for a Volvo. The Volvo is still nice, but nothing compatible with the Ferrari. But it was a start.

"Who?" she just asked

"His name is Mark. We are on a trying base at the moment."

"Ok" I could notice that she didn't know what to say.

"Would you like to go to the movies with me? Just to celebrate that we could be friends again?" I smiled.

"Uhmm" she was blown away that I was so directly. "I've to do my homework first, but I will let you know."

"Ok."

We walked across the hallway together. Derek looked at me. He didn't understand why I was walking next to Callie. But my smile was still on my face. I was happy. it was all ok. I know that my lies were very convincible, but this was just awesome.

Derek texted me when I was at my house.

"I'm there in a minute." He actually was here within a minute. When he rang the doorbell I opened the door.

"What're you doing?" he asked while he was walking inside.

"I don't know what you're talking about?" I tried to act dumb.

"Don't act dumb! You are lying to Callie right? Saying you're over her?" I was surprised. _How did he know?_

"I overheard your conversation."

"I'm going to the movies tonight with her, you want to come with me too?" I tried to distract him. I actually didn't want him to come. I want to be alone with Callie. I noticed we were still standing in the hallway, the door still open.

"It's getting cold." I said. I closed the door and walked to the fridge.

"Want something to drink?" Derek nodded. When I put the drinks on the table he started to talk again.

"You're not over her." He looked deep in my eyes. It felt like he looked through my soul.

"Do you remember Mark?"

"Yeah, that dude you met at the pool. What's with him?"

"Mark and I are dating, on trying base." With this I closed the conversation.

"So you coming tonight?" Derek couldn't do anything else then agree.

Callie texted me that evening. She invited Cristina as well to the movies. I also invited Mark with me. This could be a very awkward evening.

Mark and I were walking to the cinema.

"Arizona, with who are we going tonight?" Mark asked. His face asks for an answer. I really like it when I know something when other people don't know it. Mark was cute, but not the one. He kissed me on my cheek when we met. If he loved me? I have my doubts.

Callie, Cristina and Derek were already inside the cinema. Slowly we walked together inside. The rest was waiting. I introduced Mark to the rest. They were all very positive about him. The movie was starting. On my right side Mark and on my left Callie. Mark holds my hand all the time. He kissed me. It was really nice, but all I could ever think of was Callie. She probably saw me kissing him. I didn't want to kiss Mark, I want to kiss Callie. I forced myself to kiss him back. Pretend it was Callie. That makes it all a little more bearable. In the corner of my eye I saw Callie looking at me. It was embarrassing. Derek sat next to Mark. He was looking closely to every move I made. When Mark kissed me I also glanced to Derek. His face was disapproval. He was disgusted, it seemed. Then Derek looked over to Callie. He shook his head disapproving. Then Callie and Derek simultaneously started concentrating on the movie again. Callie was still in shock. I don't know why she was looking so awful, but it wasn't my fault.

When the movie was over Callie and Derek didn't talk to me or even look at me. I don't know why. I guess Derek was mad because I kissed Mark just to make Callie jealous. If that was the truth? I had no clue. But why was Callie so mad? I felt awful. WHY? WHAT DID I WRONG? Mark was more in love with me than ever. We were now officially together. But it felt so wrong, and I don't know why.


	6. Chapter 6:Pieces of Time

**Chapter six: Pieces of Time**

**A/N: hey everybody. I'm in the middle of my exam week. But I couldn't resist to write another chapter. It's not much but always better than nothing. Tnx for all the reviews and KEEP DOING THAT! You can also follow me on tumblr. My name is pixiepunky, I really loved that. I'm totally addicted to tumblr. If you like my story's and I guess you do, try aylgwen to. She is also my friend and write beautiful story's. I really love her. Write soon! Hope you like my chapter as well!**

It still felt wrong and I couldn't tell why. I was really happy with Mark. He was really good and nice to me, but it wasn't what I want, HE wasn't what I want. My heart was still beating for Callie. Every night she visits me in my sleep. My dreams, my mind. But In real life she was different. She talked to me. That was a start. But every time she heard Mark's name she was pissed. I couldn't read her mind and I don't want to. She was cute like she was. World's biggest mystery. No one goes in, no one goes out. That was who she was. I was so different in all ways. I couldn't stand it. The mystery. It was like jumping off a cliff with my eyes closed. I was afraid of her. Of her mind. Of her mystery. But she was worth all of it. My mind screamed sometimes. _'Callie! Don't me such a jackass!'_ but I couldn't tell her. I tough she hates me even more than I hate the unknown depth of her mind and soul.

It was a normal school day. We had class together. She looked really, really unhappy. So I want to know what was going on.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing?" she said

"Yes there is. You are acting very weird. Do you have a problem with me?"

"No Mark is fine." she said quickly

"I wasn't talking about Mark. But that is the problem, is it?" She didn't look at me. I could see her face. I saw tears appear in her eyes.

"Come on." I said and stood up. She followed me. We walked out of class. Outside the building. I kept walking.

"What are you doing?" she asks

I didn't answer. On the hill I stopped and sad down. She did the same.

"Now tell me…!" I was almost yelling of excitement and curiosity

Tears were pulling up in her eyes. " I…. I'm…..NO I CAN'T!" she stuttered.

"Can't do what? I don't understand."

"It's just… nothing. It doesn't matter" she looked away. Ashamed.

"It DOES matter. Now spit it out!" I was really curious now.

"No, there is nothing. Why are you always like this?" she was really mad. And I mean really mad. Did I miss something? What is this?

"But I don't..." she stood up and walked away. I just sat there on my own. Looking at her walking away from me.

Did I just miss something? This wasn't good. She cried about something, but if I ask why she is crying she just walk away and blame it all on me… this wasn't good. This wasn't good at all… I have to do something before it's too late.

I decided to ask Derek for some advice.

"Do you know what's going on with Callie?" I asked him.

"Well, I don't know. Maybe you love her and you just have a boyfriend?" Derek still was a little bit mad at me. He knew everything. It seemed that he knew everything when he looked into my eyes.

"That doesn't explain the problem here!" I raised my voice.

"Maybe! Maybe she hates it that you're lying to yourself! Have you thought about that?" Derek raised his voice as well. I was shocked that Derek raised his voice.

"You don't like this at all, do you?"

"No I don't. I want you to be happy. You can't be happy if you lie to yourself that you love someone. I'm sure Callie feels the same."

That night I was thinking these conversations over and over again. _Why was Callie talking about Mark? What was she saying? It doesn't make any sense. Like the rest of her human being. Conclusion, she defiantly had a problem with Mark, but why? Was it really because I don't love him, as Derek said? Do I really love him?_

The morning after they didn't talk to me. If I was around Callie, she'd walk away. I was sure she didn't want to talk to me, and I don't know why. My Relationship with Mark was great. I really started to love him. He was so sweet and kind to me. He surprised me every time he visited me. He was my everything. My whole life was different. It wasn't about Callie any more. I just let it rest. My life felt complete. I don't need her any more. I was happy with Mark. I'm finally over her.

Derek ignored me all day. When I left for home he walked up to me.

"I see you're really not completely lying to yourself, or you're starting to believe yourself." I was happy he talked to me.

"I am starting to forget Callie. She isn't in my mind all day anymore." Derek looked me in my eyes. I got nervous. _Why am I getting nervous? There's nothing to be nervous about, I am not lying or anything._

"I'm happy for you." Derek said. Then he walked away.

"See you tomorrow!" I said to him. He just raised his hand as goodbye.

I really am starting to get over Callie! Or was I wrong?


	7. Chapter 7: Change of heart

**A/N: hey everyone… this is chapter 7 again XD this is really my favorite. I love it and I hope you do two. I want to thank all the people who review. And those people know I mean you! KEEP DOING THAT PLEASE, PLEASE! All the beta mistakes are mine XD Update soon!**

**Also check me out on tumblr… my name is pixiepunky….. Thank you all! I really love you all. **

I never felt so complete and incomplete at the same time. Sure it was bothering me that Callie was still a mystery. But on the other hand isn't that my problem anymore. I was with Mark now. Derek was never so mad with me. He was closer than ever with Callie and I guess he knows what was going on. But he didn't want to tell me. The things he said before did not help. I was confused. Why was Callie mad at me? Because I didn't love her anymore? Because I was happy with Mark? Or because she knew that I do love her and didn't want Mark? Because she could read me? Just like I could read everyone in this room, except Callie. She ignored me the whole day. Filled with angry and disagreement. I could tell.

It was 1 o'clock. Math. Always boring. Callie was sitting on my left. I turned my head and looked at her. _Was she crying? No omg are you kidding me? I've never seen her cry before._

"What is wrong?" I asked her and I touched her hand.

"Talk to me, please!" that wasn't a question. She didn't have an ugly cry. It was kind of sexy. Tears on her cheeks. She really turned me on. Was it hot in here? Or was it just me? I became closer to hug her. But she stood up and walked away. I wanted to follow her but I know she didn't want that. Derek was right behind her. That was nice. She wasn't alone. Derek was with her. What was this crying about? Had it something to do with me or was I just being paranoid? She didn't want to talk to me. She really hates it if I was to close. She wants distance. But I want nothing more than just be with her. Her beautiful eyes, perfect body, perfect soul, everything was perfect. Busted! I was thinking about Callie. The last time I didn't think about her very often. But now she was driving me crazy. What is this? This feeling was never there when I am with Mark. Did I just realize that I didn't love Mark? No way. Callie was the one. This indescribable feeling came from Callie, not Mark. Callie was my soul mate and going with Mark is such a waste of time.

"Derek, what was going on with Callie the other day?" I just asked him as soon as he walked by.

"Nothing"

"Come on, I'm not stupid."

"Really, there is nothing" he said emotionless.

"Are we friends or not?" I almost jumped in the air of curiosity.

"Yes, we are."

"Now then tell me!" my hands were shaking.

"She hates you." He didn't dare to look at me.

"WHAT?" I was blown away. This was unexpected. Tears appeared in my eyes. I was in shock. I couldn't think straight. Why does she hate me? Everything is wrong. This isn't going to work. If I love her, she dumps me. If I don't love her, she is mad because I don't love her. I don't get it.

"I don't get it?"

"I also have no idea. Just talk to each other. I am pretty sure it will work out all fine."

That was a interesting offer. Just talking. I never thought of it that way. But it was a start. And I have to take the first step.

That evening I went to her house. It was dark outside and the wind was cold.

I ringed the doorbell. She opened the door. She was shocked when she saw me, standing there.

"Hey, are you busy on the moment? I want to talk to you about something" she didn't agree with that, but she had no chance.

"Ok, come in" she wasn't excited about that.

We sat on the couch together. The silence was almost killing me.

"What is going on? You are really mad and I don't know why. Did I do something wrong?" she didn't answer any of my questions. "If you don't want to talk then I'll talk. Okay, I thought I was happy with Mark, but I'm not. First I didn't know why. But now I do. You opened my eyes. And now I'm facing the truth for the first time. I said I didn't love you anymore. And that was bothering me. And I guess I'm not the only one who has a difficult time now. But Mark didn't make me feel like I'm special. I didn't have any butterflies. I really tried to love him and eventually I started to believe it. But now I'm changing. My heart didn't want Mark. My heart never wanted Mark. I fooled myself." I stopped for a second. Tears appeared in my eyes now. Callie still didn't talk but she looked me at me in my eyes. I began crying. I continued talking.

"What I wanted to say is that after all this time, I'm still not over you." I raised my voice now.

"I never was. You are perfect to me. You are my soul mate. And even you say that you don't like me, but that is because we are different. That is the beauty of us. We are meant to be. I want to do everything for you. I like your smile, you never left my mind after all this time. Everything about you is perfect. Your body, your eyes, your face, your lips. There is not a day that I'm not thinking about you. Every time I hear your name my heart skips a beat. Every night you visit me in my sleep. Make my life just a little more bearable. You make my life complete. I believe you truly are my soul mate. You are the best part of me, because you are not me! You are better." I could talk for hours about her. But I stopped. Tears in my eyes. I was broken. She just stared at me. She even didn't blink. Now tears appeared in her eyes to. She was close and came even closer. Very slowly she moved to me. Still looking me in my eyes. My head was spinning. I couldn't think. She kissed me. very quick and soft and wonderful. Her lips were soft as the skin of a newborn. My eyes were closed now. I was moving just like she did. She pushed me over and now she was lying on top of me. Her body slowly moving against mine. It was really comfortable. Her hands were all over my body. I grabbed her hair. I wanted to scream of excitement. I never felt so many love in my life. I thought my life was complete. But I forgot something.

MARK!


	8. Chapter 8: The Touch of Fear

**A/N: hey everybody, my exam week is finished. So the first thing for me to do? Write a beautiful chapter for you all XD hope you are happy with it. KEEP REVIEWING. I'm happy every time I see my mailbox and see the reactions. I really really do! Love you all xoxo**

'The word love is too small to describe what I feel for you.' That was the text message she send me the next morning. I was in love. There were no other words for it. I couldn't describe it. She was too beautiful to fall in love with me. Why does she love me? She was perfect, I wasn't. She was so much better than I ever will be. She still was a mystery. But she was a nice one. She was everything I could ever dream of. She was my best friend and now we were together. Well, I thought we were together. There were no words necessary to know that we had a thing. She visited me in my dreams last night. It was different than before, SHE was different than before. She wasn't my imaginary girlfriend I dreamed of all my life, no she was different.

It was a few weeks before prom. I really want to ask her if she want to go with me. So I went to her house. I decorated her bed with flowers and candles. As soon as she was home I was there. She was surprised to see me. I kissed her gently like I did last time. She said yes. That was for sure. My dreams were reality now. All my feelings were different. I actually lived my dream now. SHE was my dream. She kept me awake. My life was better now than being asleep. I came early out of bed. I was happier awake than asleep.

"Hey babe." I said to her on school. It was on a Thursday

"Hey! I really missed you." She was excited to see me.

" I missed you to…would you like to go out this weekend?" My face turned red

"What did you have in mind?" She grabbed my hand and we walked together to class.

"I don't know. My parents are out of town Friday, so maybe you want to hang out with me? Maybe have some kind of sleepover at my place?"

" Okay! Good idea. But we will take it slowly aren't we? I don't want to rush in to things."

"Okay that's fine with me. Maybe watch a movie or something. Be a little romantic at the time." I smiled. She just laughed at me.

It was Friday afternoon. We went to my place. We were on my scooter. She was sitting behind me. Her arms around me tightly. I never felt so complete. I was completely distracted and couldn't think straight. I was a danger for myself and the rest of the people on the road. It was hilarious to watch.

I tried to open the front door, but she took my hands and she became very close. It was freezing, but she was really warm. She looked at me and kissed me gently. I don't know for how long we stood there. I didn't want to turn around to open the door. She was holding me so tight that it wasn't cold anymore but very hot. She stopped with kissing me so we could go inside. I opened my eyes. I never felt so scared in my life. I felt regret and sorrow at the same time. I felt happiness and loneliness at the same time. My head was spinning like never before. It wasn't Callie who makes me feel like this. It was terrifying. Mark was standing here. How long was he standing there? He must have seen us because tears went over his face. I felt sorry for him. He was not even for a second in my mind since I had Callie. I totally forget to talk to him. I was so happy at one moment and so lost and broken at the other. Callie saw my face expression and turned around. I was at the point of losing it. I felt sick. Mark was a good kid. What did I do to him? What did he do wrong? He was always so kind and lovely to me. My feelings were gone. I couldn't think. I just stood there. Silently. Suddenly I felt how cold it really was, but I wasn't sure it was the temperature.


	9. Chapter 9: Damaged Goods

**Hey everybody. I'm sooooo sorry for taking so long. I was really inspire less and didn't know what to write about. But here it is, my next chapter. All beta mistakes are mine. And I promise to write soon. Merry Christmas and a Happy new year, everybody. Please leave me any command or review. I love that. **

**Xoxo**

Mark turned around and walked away. Tears went over his face. I felt regret. I needed him. He was a part of me on a weird way. I want to follow him, but Callie held my hand. I couldn't move. I was frightening. I was frozen. My whole world felt apart that day. I felt cold, very cold. I looked at the empty place were once stood Mark, crying, heartbroken. I couldn't breathe. Callie was hugging me. It makes me feel better, but not happy. It was too late for that. Now I looked at her face. Her mascara was all over her face. Her eyes are wet from crying. She was still sexy. I was sick. Felt very dizzy. My head keeps spinning and spinning. We went inside. On the couch she put a blanket over me and goes sit next to me. She didn't talk. I didn't talk. If I was okey? No, I was not. I was broken inside. Mark was still on my mind. I didn't know why I was taking this so heavy if Callie was my soul mate. Poor Mark. I was wondering what he was doing on the moment. Jumping in front of a train? Crying on the couch like I was? I don't know. What I do know is that he was heartbroken.

Callie saw me crying. Soundless. She wiped the tears off my cheeks very gently. "The situation was very weird, even for me. Poor Mark." She said. I didn't talk. Don't wanted to, so she continued talking. "But on the brighter side, it could get any worse. You are a lesbian. There is no way it would work out with Mark. He just has to accept that you are with me now. And I love you more than you could ever realize. I can't promise to fix all your problems, but I do promise you'll never have to go through them alone."

She stood up. "Do you want some tea?" She turned around to look at me. "Yes, please. And an aspirin would be nice." She walked to the kitchen. As soon as she was out of my sight I fell asleep. It was a deep sleep. I dreamed about Mark, about Callie, about Myself. Not even I hurt Mark, my thoughts were still with Callie. She was everything I'm not. She was perfect, because she was not me. She was everything I ever wanted and everything I had. So what was I complaining about? That I hurt Mark? Sure that hurts. But I was happy, and it was better for Mark and for me not being with each other. Maybe Callie was right. Maybe I'm a lesbian. So what? We were both human beings and both loved each other. No matter what. There were no words to describe how much I love her. It's like explain to a blind guy how the Eiffel tower looks. Impossible if you understand me. She was the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see in the evening. Our relationship was so incomplete that is was complete.

As soon as I woke up the only thought in my mind was going to Mark's house. I have to apologize. He has to know that I'm sorry. It was dark outside. I was still on the couch. Callie was lying next to me. She never left my sight. I don't want to leave her, but the burning feeling and desire never left. It was the desire of my soul and if I didn't do anything, it will maybe never go away. She was so beautiful if she was asleep. I was very quiet and quick when I left. I took my bike and went to his house. Still thinking about that beautiful woman I left behind me when I closed the door.


	10. Chapter 10: The Search for Paradise

**A/N: So this time I'm a little bit sooner with my next chapter as I promised. I hope you like it. It's very surprising, even for me! hope you'll like it. And believe me, it will not work out with Mark. PLEASE CONTINUE REVIEWING! It makes my day XD love you guys. Happy holidays! Update soon**

**Xoxo**

**(P.S. the only things I own here are the beta mistakes)**

My jacket was not downstairs so I had my mother's coat, well I guess that it was my mother's coat. In one of the pockets there were some pills. I was very nervous and needed some distraction, so why didn't try one of them? But why one? Before I know it I took almost 6 pills, or more. I don't know. I forgot.

The house was dark. That was very logic because it was in the middle of the night. I felt almost sorry for ringing the doorbell so lately, but I didn't want to wait any longer. My heart wouldn't let me. There was nobody who opened the door, so I ring the doorbell twice. There it was. I heard somebody. The lights turned on. Mark opened the door. His eyes were red from crying and his hear was messy. "Hey" I said to break the silence. That wasn't a smart move. The whole night I was thinking about this moment, but now I didn't know what to say. "It's late, what are you doing here? I don't want to talk to you right now. It's clear to me that it is over." He said. I saw that he was tired. "But I want to talk and I'm not here to wait, aren't I?" He opened the door a little bit more as a sign for me to come in. we went to his room. He told me that there was nobody home, so that we were alone. That surprised me. He opened the door of his room. I stepped inside en goes sitting on his bed. It was very comfortably and soft. He closed the door and just stood there. Emotionless and tired. My thoughts were now very quiet. I guess the pills began to work.

"I'm so sorry for everything that I did to you. It's not that I was planning to do this, but it happened. I really wanted to tell you this a lot sooner and I'm sorry for that." I waited a little while, waiting for him to say something back. Ow God. These pills were like heaven.

"So you are a lesbian?" I was really surprised about that question. All the things I thought he was going to say and this was the first he thought about?

"I'm sorry, but why are you even asking this?"

"Just… because" He said very cool.

"No really, from all the things you could say to me or even jell at me, you say this? Why? Aren't you mad or something?" Still surprised.

"I'm not mad at you because you have someone else. I'm mad at you for not telling me that and smashing my heart into a million pieces, if you really wanted to know. And if you are lesbian, why did you even dated me?"

That was a really good question to think about and even I didn't know the answer. "I already told you that I'm sorry. But I don't know how to fix it. It's happened. And I don't know if I'm a lesbian. One thing that I do know is that I'm in love with Callie, and that's it."

He walked to me and goes sit next to me on the bed. "You know?" He waited a view seconds. "You never left my mind. And I want to prove that you're wrong." I think he mend the lesbian part, because after he saying that he moved very fast. He kissed me very hard. Without thinking I moved with him. After a while I could feel all his emotions in that one very very long kiss. It was a good kiss. He turned me on at one point. He pushed me in his bed gently and slowly removed my clothes. I didn't mind. I don't know why. I totally forgot Callie. I couldn't think. Maybe I took too many pills, or it was just the adrenaline flowing to my veins. The whole room started to move. After that, I was only in my bra and underwear and he removed his own clothes two. There we were. Almost naked and heavily kissing. He was on top of me. I stopped. Pushed him away from me. I want to stand up and walk away, but I couldn't. The ground was moving. I fell on the ground. Panic was my first reaction, than crying. With my head between my knees I want to make my head clear. I closed my eyes. Everything was still spinning. "Help me! Mark? Help me." Panic was not the good word. I couldn't think. Maybe chaos was close enough. Mark didn't know what was going on, so now he was the one panicking. "What's wrong? Did I do something? Omg I'm so sorry. It was me? I knew I didn't have to do this. I'm so sor…" I interrupt him. "Please shut op. I try to think. It wasn't you. It were the pills in my jacket. Please help!" He run to the coat and took the pills. "This are drugs, are you crazy? How many did you took?" he almost jelled. "More than 6 I guess. I don't know. Take it away! PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY!" Now I was jelling. I was still crying, almost hysterically. Still on the ground. "Why Arizona, why? Why so many? Do you want to kill yourself, or what?" he was furious, but I didn't answer that question. I was too busy reorganize my head. That was impossible. I felt his arms around me. Pulling me up, too his bed. I was lying on my back now. The room was still moving so I didn't want to open my eyes. He put his blanket over me and hold me tight against his warm body. Hours passed by. The feelings didn't change. How long does this takes? Seriously. I was wrong. THIS was hell!


	11. Chapter 11: Dying Embers

**A/N: So this is already my next chapter. Hope you'll like it.**

**All beta mistakes are mine!**

Mark was so sweet for me. He took care of me all night and even the first part of the day. It took a while before I felt better. That was my own fault. I was the one who took 6 pills before I even looked what kind of pills it were. I didn't want to be alone right now. I was terrified that I could die and nobody will ever notice. But it felt like I was dying. In my head, my body, everything. And the worst thing was not even in my mind right now. Telling Callie that I almost slept with Mark, and took way too many drugs. Telling my parents everything. This feeling was like I died inside. I broke too many hearts that night. Callie will never forgive me. I was losing myself. Why? I had everything. I was one of the happiest persons on earth and I blew it.

"I want to go home." I felt my eyes become watery.

"Should I call your mom first?" He asked

I was thinking. This was the wrong answer, but what else could I say? " No. she's not at home." Here it comes.

"But…." He just looked at me. Quiet. The way home he didn't say anything. He was mad I guess. Maybe he thought that after this I would choose him? Wrong guess. He didn't say anything when I opened the door of the car. "Thanks for everything." I waited a second. But he never answered back. I closed the door softly and walked away. He didn't want to talk right now, because there was no reaction from his side. Callie was already waiting for me. When she saw me she opened the door. She hugged me tightly and was worried. "Were have you been, silly! I missed you!" She was so happy to see me. "What have you been doing? You look like a mess." Now she was looking at me. I looked away so she couldn't see my eyes. But I was too late. She already saw my eyes. Now she was panicking and furious. "Have you been doing drugs!" there it was, THE question. I still didn't say anything and I pushed her away to get inside. I didn't push very hard but still, that was a wrong move. She was flipping now. Jelling and screaming. In the living room I stopped walking. She was behind me. Still screaming. I closed my eyes. She was too loud. I couldn't stand it. My heart was beating crazy. When I opened my eyes slowly everything went black. My body was weak and I couldn't help it by hitting the flour. Now everything was quiet. She did not scream anymore. She didn't touch me either. Everything was too quiet now. I didn't hear her footsteps. I even couldn't hear her breathing. And for the first time I felt abandoned. There I was. On the floor. Mark was mad at me and Callie just walked away. I was alone, I deserve to be alone. My heart was no longer beating, not for Callie, not for Mark, even not for myself anymore. I closed my eyes knowing that I would never open them again.

Here ends the story. The story that never should be told. The story of a girl that died on the floor. Because her heart stopped beating for that one special person,

Herself

**A/N: omg this is sooooo sad! I couldn't believe I wrote this. Callie and Arizona aren't together? That is wrong, that is just wrong. I'm sorry guys. Don't worry this is not my final chapter of the story. So keep reading it could be very interesting. Calzona will be!**

**Keep reviewing I really like that!**

**Update soon**

**xoxo**


	12. Chapter 12: Invisible Magic

**A/N: hey everyone. My last chapter was a little bit scary don't you think? So I thought it's pretty mean to leave you all without any answers. So I started my new chapter as soon as I finished the other. Hope you like it. Keep reviewing. I like to see what you all think. Keep reading.**

**The beta mistakes are mine**

**xoxo**

There was no magic anymore. The last spark was gone. Callie took it with her when she left. I couldn't die. This wasn't the end. It couldn't be. I have so many people who actually care about me. Callie left, but she will come back, she love me. Mark just doesn't understand. My family would be heartbroken. And I? Forgotten in time. I was lost. Everything was so clear for me now. I could think like a normal person. That was new.

Suddenly everything was like a dream. I saw Callie everywhere I looked. It was like I was in a picture, but invisible. It was like magic. She was beautiful. Suddenly my whole world ends. She wasn´t alone. She had a new girlfriend. She was beautiful just like Callie was. Tears appeared. This wasn´t what I wanted. This was a nightmare. I have to come back. I have to.

Callie´s P.O.V.

I was furious. She used drugs. Why would she do that? I love her. Why doesn't she see that. I couldn't resist jelling. What does she want in the living room? "HELLO, I HAVE A FACE YOU KNOW! YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME? I WAS ALONE THE WHOLE NIGHT, WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! AND NOW YOU SHOW UP STONED? YOU ARE CRAZY DO YOU KNOW, CRA….!" I stopped. Too angry to look even at her. Against the wall I start crying. Why? Ow why? I love her, but she does everything wrong. Doesn't she care at all? I turned my face to Callie ready to jell at her again. Why was she on the ground? This was scary. Now I wasn't panicking, it was way worse. There were no words to describe what goes through my mind right now. I react fast, really fast.

"Arizona?... Arizona? Can you hear me? "I grabbed her with my hands. Her eyes were open. She didn't blink. I ripped her shirt into pieces to pull my hand against her chest. No heartbeat? Are you f*cking kidding me! Now what? I looked to her face. Her eyes were closed now. I grabbed my phone to call the ambulance. I have seen this in movies before. I pushed with my hands on her chest. I didn't know what I did. I watched too many movies….And push and push. 1…2…3 and again….1….2….3….. no reaction. I could use a little magic right now, or a miracle or something. I could hear the siren. They were close. The door was still open so I didn't have to leave Arizona behind. She couldn't be death! If I wasn't so busy crying…. I couldn't think of that right now. I was crying very hard now. Before I knew it they took Arizona with them and the noise slowly turned in to silence. I was in shock. They told me to call her parents and to come to the hospital with them. To explain what happened. I couldn't speak. I could only cry. The number was the easy part.

"Hello?" it was Arizona's mother. I still cried.

"This is C-Callllie, Ari-Arizona is in the h-hospital." It was so difficult to speak.

"WHAT? What happened? Is she ok? Where are you?" She said with panic in her voice

"H-home"

"We come and get you. Take it easy. Everything will be ok. I know my Arizona. Everything will be fine, I promise. Tell me what happened if we are there. Ok?"

I couldn't drop the phone. I was still in shock. My Arizona… MY ARIZONA she couldn't be death. She can't leave me here!


	13. Chapter 13: Fields of Heaven

**A/N: Hey everybody! This is already my 13****th**** chapter XD Keep reviewing that is really awesome. All the beta mistakes are mine. Hope you'll like it **

**xoxo**

Callie's P.O.V.

There was nothing to say. Her parents didn't understand, I tried to tell them what happened. And to be honest I didn't had a clue what happened. Obvious there was something wrong with her. Was it the drugs? Was it my fault? I don't know. I couldn't speak in the car. Her mother was upset. She had a call from the hospital. If she was alive? I don't know. This was my entire fault. If I didn't jell at her this maybe wouldn't happen. I could see the hospital now. Everything was so close now. They had the answers. I didn't want to know it. I felt bad for her parents. They love her very much.

We waited in the waiting room. It was a quiet day. There was almost nobody. There he was. The doctor. "Are you the parents from Arizona?"He was gently as he spoke.

"Yes we are, could you please tell us what is going on here? Is she alive?" this time it was the father of Arizona.

"She is stable on the moment. She had a heart attack. She was death if this girl here didn't help her." He pointed at me. For a moment it felt like my heart was stopped beating. SHE WAS ALIVE! And I actually saved her. The relieve from her parents was not there.

"A heart attack? Why? What was wrong? How could this happen? I don't understand. Please explain!" It was still her father speaking. They weren't happy that she was alive like I do. They didn't know that their daughter almost died and that I saved her. They didn't know that she had been doing drugs. They didn't know anything. But I was happy. Happy for myself, for her parents and for her. For a moment I thought that it was a fairytale. I was still mad at her for what she did, but no relationship is perfect. But ours is pretty close to that. It's so imperfect that it's perfect.

I walked to her room. I didn't know what to expect. If she still was my Arizona. There she was. My soul mate. Still perfect. Like she always was. She didn't see what I see. She is beautiful, because she don't know that she is beautiful. She was like the sun on a cloudy day. The rain that makes the rainbow complete, the earth of my existence.

Arizona's P.O.V.

I didn't feel anything. It was like I was in heaven for a moment, but was interrupt by a light. The light of life I guess. Everything was so weird. So white. I could only see the sealing but still. The sound of bleeping things everywhere was annoying. Very annoying. The smell was indescribable. I had smelled it before, but didn't recognize it. Callie was gone. My nightmare was not over. First I saw her, now I don't. The white sealing was now something to focus on. I didn't want to move. I was scared to interrupt my thoughts by looking at the room. I didn't want to think of reality right now. The feeling of heaven never left. Until there were footsteps, a door that opened and voices. Softly talking, almost whispering. I could recognize one voice. CALLIE! I moved my head to look to her face. She was a mess and that was my fault. Her eyes were red from crying. It was nice to see that she was looking at me too. Her smile was something that could make me warm inside. But now only the pain disappeared in my chest. There was no medicine that did this to me. Only I would know that, because I never told her that. My parents were also there. My mother kissed me gently on my forehead. My father took my hand for a moment. "How are you feeling?" my mother asked

"Like I'm dying…" I smiled. It was a joke. Maybe to soon because only Callie laughed. Her tooth were almost as white as snow. Blistering in the sunlight. I want to feel her skin, her warm body against mine. But that was impossible on the moment. I was in the hospital. I didn't want to talk. Just want to look at her. Her face, eyes, lips, body everything was just as I remembered. Perfect. And she was mine. One thing is clear to me now. I was made for her.


	14. Chapter 14: A time to love

**A/N: hey everybody, I'm sorry that I took so long to write another chapter. I was soooooooo busy….. You have no idea. This is a short one, I'm sorry. I want to thank all the people who are still reading my story, because I'm the worst story writer ever, too keep you all waiting so long.**

**All beta mistakes are mine xoxo**

I was in the hospital the whole week. Derek visits me twice. I haven't seen him since…. I don't know actually. It was very nice to see him. He was very happy for me that things between me and Callie were working out. Callie slept the whole week in the hospital besides me. She wasn't mad at me, because she was too happy seeing me alive. My other friends didn't visit me that week. I don't know why. That was a little bit sad. On Friday I went home. For the first time since my 'accident' (I hated the word heart attack).

In the car: my mother was on the phone, my father was driving, My head on Callie's shoulder. She grabbed my hand gently as I fall asleep. I was still very tired. I slept the rest of the way home. She woke me up when we arrived. "Hey, hey Arizona… We are home, wake up" I stood slowly up and walked with Callie beside me in to the house. It was very weird. The house remembered me of everything I didn't want to remember. I closed my eyes when I stepped in the hallway. Callie was the one that actually saw me, panicking. She knew exactly what I was thinking. "Maybe it's better if you go upstairs? It's been a long day, you know" Callie looked at me. I didn't want to look back at her, but I felt her eyes burning in my face. I dropped my coat on the ground and run upstairs. My head was spinning. Full of memories. Full of pain. It was very difficult to handle everything.

Callie opened the door of my room. I was on my bed. "It's okey, I'm here. I talked to your parents, and they think it's good for you if you staid a few days in my house. If you like that" She said it slow and soft. My head in my pillow, she couldn't see my face. That was for the best, because I was crying now. Here was no doubt that I say 'no' to that offer. It was too perfect. Spending the whole week at her house? I couldn't wish for anything better.

School was out of the question. It was finally summer holyday. It was really hot outside and I couldn't stand it. I hate the summer. Too many sticky people outside, wearing almost nothing, the only thing I liked was Callie in her swimsuit, and ice-cream. We were on the beach and the sun was burning in my face. Callie was building a sand castle and I tried to read a book.

My mobile vibrates. It was Derek. He want to join us at the beach. That was ok. He looked really horrible without shirt I couldn't see his face, because the sun was to bright to look up. He kissed me and Callie on the cheeks. "How are you two? It's really hot, don't you think? It's too hot if you ask me. Nice sand castle Callie. What book are you reading Arizona?" he talked so much that I couldn't listen to him anymore. He must been really missing me. "yeahh I'm ok….. " I said to break the silence. "Come and help me, if you want." Callie said.

"I must tell you all something. I was carrying it with me the whole time, and I couldn't stand it anymore. It's really important for me, and I think also for you two. So if you two would listen for a moment, that would be really nice. (he waited a few seconds) Arizona? It would be nice if you were listening too. This is also really important to you!" I couldn't care less than I just did. But it was really important for him, somehow. So I closed my book, annoyed. It was really difficult for me to stop reading at the most important part of the book. It was a really good book.


	15. Chapter 15:  When music fails

**A/N: hey everybody… I just want to say that I really lik this chapter. This is really one of my favorite. Hope you like it to.**

**All the beta mistakes are mine… please review… I really like that**

**xoxo**

It was quiet for a moment. "Yes?" I was tired of waiting. "I just heard that… I'm sorry Callie, but…. Your parents…. Omg I don't want to say this…. It's terrible. There was an accident… a car accident… your dad has been drinking… And they hit a tree. I'm so sorry. Your dad is in a coma, and your mom, well she is death. I'm so sorry…" He cried. Callie's face was no longer curious; teardrops fell on the ground, and disappeared. Like they were never there. Like she never cried. It was true. The car hit a tree this morning. Her mom died in the car. Her father was in critical condition. It was not sure that he would ever wake up. That was the day that changed Callie's life. And mine. I looked at the sea, and saw a huge wave destroying her beautiful sand castle. She didn't care anymore. I didn't hear a sound. But it was like she filled the ocean with her tears. Blue like the sky, shimmering in the sunlight. I looked at the sky. There were no clouds in the air. Like God didn't know, like we didn't know, like it never happened.

But it did happen. And nobody cared. Nobody cared like I do. Derek didn't want to talk anymore. He just looked away. Busy in his head. Too busy to care. Too busy to be here, on earth. But Callie was here, omg Callie….. My sweet Callie. Why? Why are they doing this? Why? Does God want to tell you something? Does God want to tell us something? I don't know. But Callie did.

She stood up. She couldn't stand it anymore, she wanted to walk. Walk until her feed bleed, and then keep walking. Off the beach, off the road, off the earth. She just wants to walk. Like her feed didn't even touch the ground. Like there was no different between walking and flying. She was walking on air. There was no music to fill up this moment. Just the silence. I couldn't stand it. Again. I hated the world, and everybody on it. Except Callie. I felt regret. Why she? Why not me? I always hated my parents. We were just too different. They couldn't help it. What to do now? Follow her? I don't think she want that. But leave her like this could be dangerous for all of us. Oke oke… I will follow her…. I stood up. Left all the stuff on the beach and went after her. The sand was hot underneath my feet. Why didn't I put on my shoes? This was ridiculous. It burned, and now my feet really hurt. I couldn't see her. She was gone. I didn't know what to do now. I start panicking. Now what? Maybe she wants to kill herself. Or maybe she just went to the hospital. I don't know. What I do know is that I have to talk to Derek. Why does he all know this? Does he have something to do with it? What the hell… it was a weird day for me, but this was just the start of something way worse than I could ever imagine. What is the message God sent us? I don't get it. I just want to drawn myself. In Callie's ocean of tears. Just disappeared from the earth. To see this from another point of few. Just to taste Callie's lost hope. To find back the one thing she lost. Herself.


	16. Chapter 16: Less sugar, more love

**A/N: Hey everbody I'm little bit sooner than expect with updating. Calzonafan123** **really helped me out, so thanks XD if somebody else has some ideas for the story, please let me know! I love that… all beta mistakes are mine**

**xoxo**

I woke up. Wow when did I fall asleep? That was a weird dream. Maybe less sugar next time. Callie was beside me. I was confused for a second and totally forgot her. I totally forgot I fell asleep. For a moment I thought that it actually did happen. But Callie smiled at me when she saw me awake. She wouldn't smile at me if her parents just died. So that was proving that it didn't happen. We were still at the beach. The sand castle was still there, just like in my dream, but Derek wasn't there. There was almost nobody at the beach. It was really a relieve to see Callie smiling at me. That was really a horrible dream. A really horrible dream. Callie interrupted my thought. "Hey there sleepy head!" She was happy and cheerful like always. And I was happy. She kissed me. She tastes like strawberries. I liked my lips, sweet like candy. "Ice cream?" I laughed. "Yes, how do I taste Miss Torres?" It was really nice that she act like we were married. I felt my head turned red. "It is so sweet if you do that" now she was laughing. I don't know that it was, but the way she looks at me, the way she talks to me, her body in that red bikini, she really turn me on. I want to take her, right her, right now. I bended over to kiss her, and she let me. Now I felt how hot it really was. How hot I was. She came even closer and closer, and so did I. it was truly romantic. The horizon was beautiful. With pink clouds. The sun was already gone. The timing was almost perfect. Her hand was on my cheek. I stopped a moment to breath. Face to face. I could smell her breathe, still strawberries. Her eyes were so close, that I could see the stars in it. Shining like never before. She was breathing really heavy right now. She was turned on. I could see that, but so was I. My hands slowly down her face, to her chest. She was sweaty. Her nipples were hard, when I touched her boobs. They were really soft. She I slowly kissed her lips, down to her neck, her chest, her belly and then I stopped. I looked at her face. She really liked it. So I keep continuing. I was so happy, that there was nobody on the beach. But then my phone ringed. I turned my head, and try to reach after my phone. I couldn't come that far, so I stood and picked it out of my bag. It was a text massage from Derek. Great timing Derek, thanks. I thought in my head.

"Who is it?" "Derek, he asks if we want to hang out tonight." I was irritated. Why now? This was my moment. "Ow, (now her face was very naughty) actually I had other plans for tonight. My parents are out of town. So we are all alone tonight. She blinked at me. My smile was bigger than ever before. That was my moment. Tonight everything will be different. Callie was packing the things, I texted Derek back. It was not a very nice text message, but that was his problem. "and send…" I turned my phone off. "He's not a problem anymore. Tonight it's just you and me."


	17. Chapter 17: Goal of my existence

**A/N: with all my love, I present my new chapter. This is about love. I hope everyone find there soul mate, and do not blow it, like I did. You'll regret it, just like I do. You may not be perfect, but you ARE good enough to be loved by someone who loves you just the way you are.**

**All beta mistakes are mine. xoxo **

Her father was waiting in the car, when we walked towards it. She opened the door for me when I went in. "Thank you" I smiled. "You mother and I are going to dinner as soon as I drop you two off. Oke? There is plenty of food in the house, so make yourself a nice sandwich or something." He looked in the mirrors to see if there were any cars behind him. "Yeah, that's fine, we just going to take a shower watch a movie or something and go to bed early. I'm really tired." Callie winked at me. I began to laugh. "What's so funny? Did I miss something?" now her father was looking at me in the mirror. "No nothing, I just saw a really fat and ugly person passing by. It was hilarious; there was a Chihuahua behind her. The combination between a fat person and a Chihuahua is hilarious." Callie laughed. She knows that was a lie. But it was hilarious. We laughed the whole way to her home. We laughed about people, stores, actually all kind of stuff. Her father doesn't understand. It was a thing between Callie and me. The way we both think is almost the same. I don't have to finish my sentence, because she knows exactly what I want to say. Every expression she makes, every thought in her mind. It all makes sense. A few weeks ago I didn't understand her. But now? Everything was different. She was different, I was different.

Her father was a really terrible driver. It scared the shit out of me. He drives too fast, and so reckless. I grabbed the seat in frond off me very tight. Callie didn't saw that move. She was looking out the window. Busy with her thoughts. I turned my face to the window to look at the sky. It was still blue. Blue like the ocean on a sunny day. I saw a bird, flying very high, maybe it was an airplane. I couldn't see it, it was too far away. The streets were crowded. I saw people. People in a hurry, lonely people, sad people, happy people, actually all kinds of people. There were so many people. I don't want to become 'one of the people', I want to be me. I wane be important to somebody. I want to be important to Callie. I don't want her to forget me. Never. Knowing that she would ever forget me was terrible. It makes me unhappy, sad. My existence would be disappointing. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Callie's voice. "Arizona, are you coming? We are home." I looked up and saw the house. I didn't noticed that the car stopped moving. My cheeks turned red. "Yes I'm coming." I opened the door and walked to the trunk to help Callie with the stuff. "Where were you with your thought?" she looked at me with a naughty smile. "I was just thinking." "Thinking about what?" She was curious. "Thinking about how worthless my existence is, if you will ever forget me." her face expression was priceless. There were no words for it. I saw tears in her eyes. "That is the sweetest thing someone ever sad to me." She hugged me, and kissed me. The kiss was intense. I could feel the love. The way she moved, gently. "I love you!" I said, before we went in the house and closed the door.

This was purely the most beautiful moment of my life. My life wasn't even started, before this moment. I had the feeling, that this was the moment I was living for. This was it. We were kissing on the couch. It was lovely. She was on top of me. I was wondering if the couch could handle our behavior. Suddenly she interrupts the moment. "Arizona, can I ask you a question?" She looked very seriously when she moved to the table to grab her glass of coke. "Sure, why not?" I was curious. My heart beats crazy. This was the perfect moment, we almost did it. But what was thát important? Too ask right now? Did I do something wrong? She was nervous. I could see it, because she didn't want to look me in the face. "Why do you love me?" The question was direct. She looked at me, with her brown eyes. Now I could see the blistering of the light in her eyes. Her eyes were watery. "Why do you ask this, all of a sudden?" I needed a moment to think. "There must be a reason why you love me that much, I just don't understand." She was playing with her coke. She always plays with stuff, if she was nervous. I took her hand. "You are the most beautiful, gently, perfect girl I have ever seen in my life. I would trade the world for you. And I would be destroyed if you ever leave me. I love you, because you are you." She cried. I hugged her. "What is wrong? I don't get it." I was blown away. I didn't saw this one coming. "Why are you crying?" "I just…. I just…" She couldn't say it. I didn't know what she wants to say, but she couldn't say it. I took both of her hands. I hold them tight. Face to face. "This is just the first time that I love someone more than they love me." now I was crying to. I couldn't help it. I was wrong. THIS was the most imported part of my existence. She hugged me, and I hugged her back. We just lay there. There were no words. Still crying, crying off happiness with her in my arm I fell asleep. I have never slept this good in my life. This was the first time that I didn't have to dream about spending the perfect night with Callie, because that goal was already accomplish. This was the first time that I didn't have a goal to achieve.


	18. Chapter 18: Forever Alone

**A/N: hey everybody, sorry for let you all wait! Here it is. Hope you all like it.**

**Xoxo**

**The beta mistakes are the only thing I own here!**

When I woke up, the sun was shining bright. The smell of bacon and eggs was every were. I looked around, Callie was in the kitchen. "Good morning" She said cheerful. "good morning" I stood up from the couch. "ouch" my back really hurts. Maybe it wasn't that smart to lay on the couch the whole night, but It was worth it. "What is wrong?" Her face was surprised. "Nothing" and I smiled. I walked to Callie to give her a big hug. "How was your night?" "Ow, really great. Last night was amazing" She smiled. "The eggs look lovely" I was hungry. "What are the plans for today, Cal?" "I have already plans…." She looked at me to see my reaction. "I was surprised. "With who?" "It's not important. The eggs are ready" she smiled and took a plate. She wasn't planning to tell me what her plans were, so I just stopped asking. It was awkwardly quiet while we were eating. The sound of music playing in the background. I heard some birds making weird sounds.

Maybe I could watch a movie? The weather was too great. I walked outside in my shorts and took my sun glasses with me before I closed the door. I walked to the beach. There was almost nobody there. I don't know why. The waves were heavy and the sun was a little too bright. The ocean was so blue. It was so lovely. It was hot. Maybe 30 degrees. I took off my shoes, the cold water was peaceful. When suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by someone: "Arizona… hey hey Arizona….." I looked around, when I saw Mark running to me. "Hey" I was surprised. "What's up? Why are you alone? Where is Callie? Weren't you two together this weekend?" "Yes, but she had other plans. I don't know what. She doesn't want to tell me, so I went to the beach by myself…. But what are you doing here?" I looked to his face now. He looks good today. "I was just hanging around with Cristina on the beach. The weather is really great. "Do you want to go hang with us?" The last time I spoke to Cristina was a long time ago. She abandoned me when Callie came in my life. I always thought she was just a little jealous about us, but I didn't know that for sure. "Yeah, oke" I looked nervous at Mark. He knew exactly what I thought when we walked to Cristina. I didn't want to look at her, but I have to. This was my fault. I was too busy being with Callie that I totally forget her and she is still very mad at me. "Hello Cristina, how are you?" She didn't looked up in the first place. I waited a moment and then she finally looked at me. "I'm fine, thanks" That was the end of the conversation. She didn't want to talk with me, so she picked up her phone and pretend she was texting. Mark and I were just talking randomly about our lives. I didn't say that much about Callie, because I knew Cristina couldn't handle it. Mark was talking about his life. It wasn't very interesting. I didn't want to spend my day here, because we all know that Cristina didn't want to be friends. So I decided to leave. I said goodbye and went to Callie's home.

When I opened the door I heard someone. It couldn't be Callie's parents, because they were not in town. "Callie? Are you home?" The sounds stopped immediately. I walked to the bedroom. "Hello? Is there somebody?" This wasn't funny anymore.


	19. Chapter 19: Love is a battlefield

**A/N: hey everybody! I'm so sorry that it took so long before I wrote my final chapter! I hope all of you still follow me after this. This is actually my last chapter of Desire of the soul. I will write other stories about Calzona! But first I have to go through my exam period, which is very stressful. After that I have all the time in the world to write a new story. A fresh new start is all I need!**

**Hope you like it. It's a little bit short, but it's just enough to make this story just one of my wonderful dreams. I really hope all of you find your true soul mate. Love is the one thing that is worth living for if you do it right. Don't blow it like I did. If you love someone who doesn't love you, then it isn't meant to be….**

**Dare to dream! :')**

**Xoxo**

**Love you all!**

**P.s. all beta mistakes are mine!**

"Callie? Is that you?" She came out of the bathroom. "what have you been doing?" I was surprised to see her. She looked really sick. Her eyes are watery and her face was white. "what is wrong? You look terrible!" I walk towards her, to give her a big hug. But as soon as I came close she run to the toilet and puked. Callie wasn't sick very often, but this was seriously. After a while she calmed down.

"I have to tell you something…" she didn't want to look at me. She was all sweaty when she sat down next to the toilet. I was all ears. "I went to some guy today. I know him for a little while now. I met him on the internet a view years ago. So he texted me this morning, so I went to his house. He wanted to watch a movie with me." She didn't looked at me. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to hear this at all! But my curiosity took over "continue, please" Now I looked away. Tears in my eyes. "It was terrible. We were alone in his house and then he starts kissing me. I didn't want to kiss him, but he was too strong, so I couldn't help it. And then he took of his clothes, and then mine…" She was crying now. "I'm sorry… I thought we were friends! B-but…I'm so so sorry. I totally get it if you want to leave me. I'm a very bad person." Now she was crying even harder. I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. I stood up and left. Just left. Left the bathroom, the house, the street. I didn't want to see her face right now. It wasn't completely her fault, but it was just too much right now. I was mad. Mad at the world, mad at love, mad at God. This wasn't fair. I had to fight for Callie! Like really hard. I was finally happy after all this time of misery and sadness. And now I was back at the beginning. Love sucks. She is really the one, but if she treats me that way? Hanging out with a boy I know nothing about? Alone at home watching a movie? What about me? I didn't do that kind of things. I didn't want to hurt Callie. But this really hurt. Everything in my life is so miserable. Callie was the only thing I lived for. But now all my feelings were gone. All my hope and love for this relationship left. I was just empty and tired. All the drama was too much. Being in a relationship wasn't really my thing, and this was it. If she wants to end it like this, then I'm oke with it. I'm done. Just done.

Callie didn't follow me. She tried to say a few words before I walked away but that's it. My phone rings, 5 missed calls from Callie. I was so mad at her, that I smashed my phone against the wall. It was immediately quiet. The relieve was overwhelming. I walked up the hill, until I reached the cliff. I watched the ocean weave. It always brought peace in my head. I never understood what my band with water exactly was. I closed my eyes to breathe the fresh air. But then I was frightened to death, because my thoughts were interrupted by panic. I was interrupted by a scream of a woman. "DON'T JUMP! PLEASE! I'M SO SORRY, PLEASE COME BACK AND STAY AWAY FROM THERE!" I recognized the voice. Callie. She was the last person I wanted to see or hear. Then I felt someone heavily breathing from behind. So I turned around. Callie closed her arms around me. So tight, that I couldn't move. I didn't want to jump! What is this? A cliffhanger? No really, I'm not suicidal. "Callie, I don't want to jump." I turned around and saw that there were a lot of people behind me, frightened staring at us. Watching every move we make. "Callie! Will you please leave me alone?" and I pushed her away. But she didn't saw that one coming, so she lost her balance and fell on the ground. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that" I kneeled down to look her in the eyes and help her up. She cried, and before I knew het I cried too! We hugged each other on the ground. It didn't matter that all the people were staring. We just lay there, crying. Didn't say a thing. And everything felt oke. But that is so weird, because I was so sure that it was a big mistake to be in a relationship with her, because we hurt each other every time. Every day was like a battlefield. But what does it matter? Every time I see Callie, she reminds me that we have to go through this to be happy. There is no way you could be happy without moments when you aren't. It's like a balance that we have to make each other happy.

She was my balance in life. She was my happiness and sadness. The daylight in my dark life, but also the shadow on the corner. We were best friends, soul mates for life. And I was happy. She was happy. We were happy. Forever is only the beginning.


End file.
